Σάββατο, 18 Δεκεμβρίου 2010
Behind every single lingering bad feeling is the disappointment for a scheme that failed in ways unaccounted for. Even if it was a scheme to make someone else happy. For all my talk of honesty and straight-forwardness and what not, I don't have it.
I always scheme, to get what I want.
Σάββατο, 21 Αυγούστου 2010
I wanted to get satellite Internet access on board just to be able to sign in as caroline@sapiokaravo and include a witty pm about the bomb threat and subsequent thorough search of the ship by officers and scuba divers. Oh well, boredom and lack of battery life made it impractical to do so.
When you lean on the ship windows looking out for a long time, counting passing jellyfish -23- and then, you get bored of observing them muffin-like creatures and decide to look back inside to check on your stuff, it feels like you are on DRUGS. Passenger seats spinning, cabin rotating, straight lines moving in a wavy fashion - not that I would know what it's actually like to be stoned, but I bet it is something like that. Unless the movies have it all wrong again like they do with the slitting your wrists part.
I painted my fridge brown yesterday - not because I'm fond of the color, or fridge decoration, but simply because my parents wanted to cover some scratches and I'm the most qualified person to operate a paint brush in the house. Brown is an unfortunate choice, but a necessary one, seeing it's the only color of paint we have in the village and, hey, it also matches the rest of the furniture. That this color renders the fridge invisible in low light, thus making late night navigation in the kitchen a frustrating ordeal for the hungry, I can grudginly accept. That this particular hue of brown gives birth to unwelcome implications in the presence of food, I can tolerate. What I cannot put up with is the knowledge that the very act of painting the damn fridge robbed me of being present in a defining moment of sport history. Fuck you, fridge! You won't be all that smug and smiley when the first thermodynamic law catches up with you!
Τρίτη, 10 Αυγούστου 2010
I feel like there's something poisoned inside my mind, like a black stone maybe, which you may be able to sidestep, but not forever. Something that radiates misery and guilt and shame and disgust and anger and contempt every time it's touched and the only way to be completely free would be to remove it somehow, because it never stops shooting these things out. Disgust - the desire to move away from a source of perceived pollution, to banish it from the world, my world, forever. There are triggers everywhere. How will I ever be free? I despair. There is no solution. There is no convincing why I don't want to do what would by all accounts be beneficiary for me to do. All accounts? Well, being like other people, overcoming mental blocks, greater intimacy, better chances, peace of mind. The way it's presented, the benefits far outweigh the perceived costs, so I "should" just shut up and kill a part of myself that can't realistically be part of myself because what the hell do I know, I'm just inexperienced and bitter.
Not being normal is very strange. All the things you see in the movies, you experience them in a totally different way. Shit that other people put up with without batting an eyelash becomes A FUCKING TIDAL WAVE. You want to do stuff for odd reasons. "Normal" emotions like love manifest themselves like flowers with a note in your door from me, for no reason at all.
I am productive and respect myself. I stand up for what I believe. But what I believe causes me to hate my kind. How can you put up with this shit, how. It boggles my mind, say it ain't so. Say you're all just pretending. That you were tricked and lost part of your soul in the way. How can you not know better. I don't want this empowering separation you speak of. I want to be the same with the others, the strong ones, but now I can't. I'm afraid the others will reject me for trying to be like them, but I am absolutely terrified that one day, I will actually want to be like you.
I don't know what to think anymore. Ignoring the elephant in the room is draining. Confronting the elephant in the room leads to broken bones and ridiculously late nights like this one. I can't kill the damn elephant in the room because it's got the rest of you (and them) backing it up. And I can't change rooms because you only get one. CHECKMATE.
The only thing worse than overstaying your welcome is realizing that you are welcome for the wrong reasons. I see it clearly now, all my schemes, the choices I've forced, the choices that have been forced on me, they all need to go away for good. I know the feeling that comes with each one of these mindless actions though. Time for observation, and change.
Σάββατο, 10 Ιουλίου 2010
Παρασκευή, 18 Ιουνίου 2010
Love on the other hand.. does it even exist? I am not sure it's not an even more intricate ploy of the ego to get what it wants. Maybe not. Maybe it's a yearning of the soul. A completely unreasonable certainty that, hey, this person, they have some part of me I didn't know I had lost, and I want it back, whatever it takes. And that, things may blow up, people may cry, and I do care, but not enough to never see you again.
You make me feel so blank. Thank you.
Πέμπτη, 10 Ιουνίου 2010
If there's an elephant in your room, do not expect me to want to go in there and get my bones crushed in the name of friendship. Not all goodbyes are the same. You cannot simply copy paste nostalgia and missing-you's every time somebody leaves, even if it's under the same scorching sun, at the same bench, in the same rotten forest in the black heart of the city. Some times, you just don't feel anything.
As I type this you're probably slicing the throats of defenseless tomatoes open and tossing cucumber peels down the drain. This is what society is doing to you, me, everybody. Molding us and hurting us against our will. Within this concept, even if we win, we lose. The only way to "win" is to refuse to play. If the only reason anybody's life is worth observing is because they're playing an exceptionally good or an exceptionally bad game, then all they will ever have is fools who laugh at them and monkeys who try to match them outwardly. And you call this, a life.
Κυριακή, 30 Μαΐου 2010
Colorful dust falls from the sky, but I cannot touch it. And soon, I will not even want to touch it. I shot my own capacity for happiness in the stomach by being a people-pleasuring idiot, I want my fucking self to crawl into a hole and die.
People smell of sun lotion in a crowded bus to nowhere, my electronic devices hate me, and in a sense, who can blame them. They're trying to get away from me every way they can.
I always had the abstract idea, in my mind, that things will somehow turn out to be okay, that there's something for everyone, that there's always some way out, if you just think things through long enough and ask enough people for advice, stick around and try to make things right.
The truth is, there's no such thing as okay. Trying to fix one thing always ends up messing it up worse, or creating an unforeseen problem. Like I told my psychologist in October, life has some very stupid errors in the source code, debugging it is virtually impossible, and like I have recently realized, you can try and try and try and the misery will never go away.
I am never happy. In fact, I am incapable of emotions outside the regret-guilt-resentment-anxiety-anger range. And I have no freaking idea what to do about it, nothing seems to work, not meditation, not talking it out, not positive thinking, not escapism, nothing. When I wake up in the mornings, I get this feeling that I am somehow loading myself, my past and my attitudes onto my brain, a split second after waking up. It's a strain, to go through the day with myself resting so heavily on my shoulders, I wish I could just get a new one. But even that wouldn't work.
Τετάρτη, 19 Μαΐου 2010
The Nerd Girls may not look like your stereotypical pocket-protector-loving misfits—their adviser, Karen Panetta, has a thing for pink heels—but they're part of a growing breed of young women who are claiming the nerd label for themselves. In doing so, they're challenging the notion of what a geek should look like, either by intentionally sexing up their tech personas, or by simply finding no disconnect between their geeky pursuits and more traditionally girly interests such as fashion, makeup and high heels. In fact, calling them "nerd" is no insult at all—the Nerd Girls have T shirts emblazoned with the slogan. The crew includes Cristina Sanchez, a master's student in biomedical engineering (and a former cheerleader) who can talk for hours about aerodynamics. Caitrin Eaton, a freshman, asked her boyfriend for a soldering iron last Christmas. Juniors Courtney Mario and Perry Ross giggle when they talk about what fascinated them most about "No Country for Old Men": how did the assassin's air gun work?These girl geeks aren't social misfits; their identities don't hinge on outsider status. They may love all things sci-tech, but first and foremost they are girls—and they've made that part of their appeal. They've modeled themselves after icons such as Tina Fey, whose character on "30 Rock" is a "Star Wars"-loving, tech obsessed, glasses-wearing geek, but who's garnered mainstream appeal and a few fashion-magazine covers. Or on actress Danica McKellar, who coauthored a math theorem, wrote a book for girls called "Math Doesn't Suck" and posed in a bikini for Stuff magazine. Or even Ellen Spertus, a Mills College professor and research scientist at Google—and the 2001 winner of the Silicon Valley "Sexiest Geek Alive" pageant.
there's more, but no.
Δευτέρα, 3 Μαΐου 2010
Θα ήθελα πολύ να μπορώ να πετάξω τις σακούλες απτο μπαλκόνι μου κατευθείαν μέσα στον σκουπιδοντενεκέ. Το είχα δοκιμάσει μια φορά, αλλά μάλλον δεν γίνεται. Αυτό δε σημαίνει ότι είναι κακή ιδεα για flash παιχνιδάκι. You'd just have to get the physics right.
Απολογισμος της μερας: Τα ρούχα μου βγήκαν βιολετί γιατί τα σπάω, οι φακές ανθίζουν δίπλα στις κίτρινες καρέκλες, δεν υπάρχει ίχνος φαγητού στο ψυγείο (πάλι έκανα πλούσιο το κυλικείο στη σχολή, πρέπει σοβαρά να σκεφτώ την εκδοχή του σπιτικού σαντουιτς τυλιγμένο σε ασημόχαρτο) και το laptop σφυριζει μελαγχολικά πάνω στα έδρανα.
Θα ήθελα να μπορώ να νιώσω κάτι.
Δευτέρα, 19 Απριλίου 2010
Last few days have been hectic, in a good way. I still feel like a thousand noisy bees when I get out of bed, but it passes, and it means nothing. There's a choice you make early in the day when you open your eyes, and that is to either let the world drag you down, or let the world be in its atrocious shape, recognize you're responsible for at least part of the shit in it, and then! move on with your tangible waking life. See, your brain would rather have you fight off imaginary crap, but that doesn't mean you need to play along.
I want to count columns backwards but my sudo attempt incident will be reported. I just hope they don't ban me before I can finish up my assignment and ship it them.
I also want to do something about the little hearts. You know, the ones fluttering in and out of sight, hovering above the houseplants, squishing themselves under the scribbled paper heaps, bouncing, always elusive, but never out of mind.
Well! We will see about that.
Σάββατο, 10 Απριλίου 2010
For the last one year of my life, I have been experiencing my emotions tainted through a smoke screen filter of guilt. I have made serious mistakes, sure, but I aint supposed to live like one, too. The thing is, the smoke doesn't die away on it's own (at least, not fast enough for emotions to get through), and if you tamper with it, you end up releasing more fumes. There are certain people that make this all go away in a magical puff, unexpected allies in the otherwise grayscale life of yours truly.
One of them perplexes me. I don't know if he does it on purpose or it's just his chaos interacting with mine on some subconscious level where I lose, but I can really focus on anything I choose to when he's around. The other one, he looked really pale the last time I saw him, we're like that Andrew Eldtrich song. The third one is the closest being to my soul I've ever met. He's also my preferred choice for wingman, the designated person to hold me from the back of the head as I spill my guts down the toilet.
Hardly healthy, I know. But the other-people-are-not-responsible-for-healing-up-the-shit-inside-your-head doctrine can wait. And if you think I'm talking about you, I probably aren't.
Τετάρτη, 7 Απριλίου 2010
This trip was good for me. A country that respects itself and its visitors is a painful metaphor I can live with. Waking up with a sense of purpose, rather than a resignation to fighting with nothing, is refreshing. Some day I will learn how not to taint those sentences. For now, I am content learning how to play my own game again. It's rather odd, that the (my) way to personal confidence is to try everything else first.
Apparently, there is no legislature against discrimination in Greece. If the color of your face is not on the EU flag, you have no right to certain professions, qualified or not. If I don't want you two folks kissing in my restaurant, I am a very legal asshole, you can whine, but you can't take me to court. I wonder how the fuck we got accepted in the EU in the first place. Apart from the lack of proper human laws, we're also a dishonest breed of people - why would you trust us with any money, at all? There's only so much mess we can get away with, gentlemen.
But I don't really care for anything, right now. It's scary, my capacity for despair takes me by surprise and I end up freezing my ass off, gazing at the silver leaves beyond my window. And they look back at me, and they're malicious, and cold.
Τρίτη, 23 Φεβρουαρίου 2010
You know, all my life, when I paid any attention to the voice in my soul, there was this ever-present question. Why. The only acceptable answer is - because this is my desire.
I am very ashamed of the times I did what was expected of me without answering this question. Because then, what am I? I don't know, but I know I am not this.
I feel like I've spit out a part of me that nobody even wants. I've thrown up all my possible favours. The monsters in my head were there to help me all along.