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Seamen bet on the number of people they expect will throw up during each boat trip. They got a running total and prognostics and everything. They have my greatest sympathies, I admire their handling of idle time, I wish I could think of something more awesome to do on a boat trip (paint on sleeping passengers' faces? scream at the first dolphin that appears: 'MOMMYYY!! I know it's you!! You've come for me at last?? :D'?) but I can't. This is perfect boredom management.

Speaking of management, life is a helluva lot of fun without it. Color me a happy camper.

I am slightly bemused in my corner, but it seems to me, humor is just the icing on life. Sheer intelligence doesn't cut it. It doesn't, no, if it ain't backed up by some sort of substance, some sort of soul. Despite the lols, I still feel like I always want to be somewhere else and, fairly enough, expect that others feel the same. So, that makes my world a world of zombies. Naked zombies, bathed in sludge, prancing around like hobo maniacs, but zombies nevertheless.

Θυμάμαι ένα πρωί σε ξένο σπίτι με κόσμο πεταμένο σε έπιπλα. Ο καθένας ξύπνησε μόνος του και εκείνη έφυγε, κι ας ήθελες τόσο πολύ να κάτσει. Και μετά έφυγα κι εγώ, και ήταν πολύ πρωί για να καταλάβω ότι έλεγα, πρακτικά, αντίο.

Είναι δύσκολο καμιά φορά, όταν απομακρύνεσαι περπατώντας από μια συναυλία, να προσδιορίσεις πότε ακριβώς σταματάς να ακούς τη μουσική και σου τραβάει την προσοχή ο θόρυβος του δρόμου. Τα βήματα σου σε οδηγούν, αργά, αμείλικτα αλλού, μα δεν το καταλαβαίνεις γιατί αυτό που σε χωρίζει δεν υπάρχει.

η γάτα στο φωταγωγό

'Πάντα αυτό κάνω, ενώ έχω συνολικές αντιρρήσεις, συμβιβάζομαι.'

Την ξέρουμε την αλήθεια κάθε στιγμή, και μπορεί να βγει στην επιφάνεια ξαφνικά, μέσα από ανούσιες συζητήσεις για ανούσιες επιλογές.

Η αλήθεια ψοφάει τη στιγμή που γελάς και λες ότι δεν υπάρχει πρόβλημα, μπορεί το σάντουιτς να μην είναι όπως το θες (γιατί δεν ασχολήθηκες) αλλά θα το φας έτσι κι αλλιώς. Αλίμονο στους απανταχού πεινασμένους που χαχανίζουν στο κινητό και κανονίζουν να σκοτώσουν ένα απόγευμα ή μια τετραετία έτσι, επειδή το υποσχέθηκαν. Και είναι τόσο εύκολο να κάνεις υποσχέσεις! Αρκεί να ξεχάσεις να πεις ότι δεν είσαι σίγουρος.

Εγώ πολύ θα ήθελα να κάτσω όλες τις υπόλοιπες μέρες να κοιτάω το κινητό μου και την οθόνη μου και να φοράω αυτά τα κομμένα γαντάκια και να πατάω κουμπιά και γενικώς να περιμένω με ανοιχτές αγκάλες. Αλλα δε μπορω επειδή υποσχέθηκα να φυγω, κι αυτό εν μερει επειδη φοβομουν οτι θα καταληξω να κατσω μόνη μου με τα χερια ανοιχτα στο κρυο και, γαντια ξεγαντια, στο τελος να με φαει η μαρμάγκα.

Κι ετσι, τελικα.. ισχυει αυτο στην πιο γενικευμενη, οχι αναγκαστικα ροζμαντικη εκδοχη του.

4:04 - Life not Found

Sitting by the fireplace, listening to mom rambling how she never does anything for herself, while 'your father has his tennis sessions and yoga classes', I become slightly enraged. So whose fault is it? His? Mine? I've had my taste of the unfair and I did not like it.

I wonder if that's the future. I wonder if I will sit with some young kid one day, trying to think it all through for them, make them see the surefire way to riches and happiness all laid out in front of their eyes, if they would only listen. And then I'll say, 'Son, you will waste half your life trying to figure out what I'm telling you now. So shallow up your youthful pride and do what needs to be done and do it well.'

Kids these days, they like the protection, the clean clothes, the 24/7 support, but try to give them a little bit of direction and they suddenly remember they're supposed to be all independent and follow their own path and stuff like that, which is ridiculous, frankly, when they clearly can't even tell the business end of a fork from its handle. Rebellion without responsibility can not be real.

However, if he says 'I'd rather waste 90% of my life if it means the rest 10% is spent living', then I'll know he's not a kid anymore.

Lost in the Super Market

Going to the super market is a ritual. It's a way to be alone with a multitude of mostly harmless information. It asks questions like, what's the average price of mayo on this self, not including the 'light flavored' jars that nobody really likes anyway or which is the greenest item on this corridor you could be seen wearing. There are things that scare me and only me and things that amuse me to tears always, like that bossy can of milk. There are inconsistencies I don't care to fix and optimal paths I never follow. Going to the super market, I am reminded why I shall never ever ever grow up.

[The carbon dioxide from the refreshment I got makes my nostrils flare up. Yup, it's cancer.]

Before the Now What

Days pass colorless between intentional mistakes and unintentional cruelty. I lie awake at night thinking of the portrait of my soul - is it too late? Soon, things will change, and I would like to be remembered as someone kind.

I dream about you very often, now that I don't speak to you about things that don't matter, my soul reaches out for you. You have done spectacularly well for yourself, I admire that. I know now that I shouldn't have bothered with technicalities. I want to speak close to your face again. Your darkest hour is over, for now, and you know what, although you might not think it, you shone right through it too.

I have little time left before things around me fall apart. I see it, everyone drifting away, getting their act together, planning their future, creating. And I feel I need a major push to get going, because the crossroads are close and my direction undefined. I want to pursue... art? I dunno. I want to try pursuing art.

But most of all, I want to do something that makes a difference. I want to improve my life in many areas. But I still can't muster the strength to clean up after me properly. Old people struggle to walk half a mile - and I am young and perfectly capable (to be incapable).